Review: Finger (The Bishop Revival)

First off, I'd like to leave this open letter to Time Warner Cable...

Dear TWC,

I've come to the realization that you either (a) hate me or (b) just suck. Lately, for some bizarre reason, random slots on my guide come up as "To Be Announced" and more importantly, they seem to be in the slots of shows I have on series record. So why am I paying $10/month for a DVR service and $8.50/month for a box that can't function properly. I might as well get rid of it entirely and just watch all of the shows online for free the next day because you sure aren't doing your part.

In conclusion, I think Johnny Carson put it best when he said "Fuck you."

Sincerely,
Fuck You

Okay...now that we've gotten that out of the way, here's my review of last night's episode of Fringe.

I'm starting to like these one-offs better than the episodes that concentrate on the major storylines. The best part is how subtle they actually tied into Bishop Jr. not being from this plane. (Oh crap, I just gave away a spoiler. Well from here on out you'll have to highlight the text that are spoilers if you want to read them.) Maybe I'm the only one who noticed it but why isn't anyone questioning why Walter was affected by the toxin, but not Peter? I'm guessing this is something that was best left alone to work on one of the other bigger questions. How the hell did the Nazi guy live that long? I guess we'll never know. Personally, as much as I'm not a big fan of art involving the Nazis, I liked the collage pieces. They were pretty well done even if they were totally creepy.

All in all, I'd like to say that this was one of the best episodes of the season. Especially considering that I'm sick of the father-son exploration this show somehow tries to shove in to every episode. I also couldn't believe that Walter totally killed that guy. That was totally impressive.

Note: You may be wondering why I'm writing this review like someone in middle school who spends more time making ball point pen art on denim notebooks than someone with the semblance of intelligence even if rudimentary. It's because I'm tired. And frankly, I've been more entertained by you tube lately than writing. So for the hell of it, here is a sample of mental retardation I've been experiencing. Enjoy.

Stop hating me TV

It's been a while since I posted anything, so for the next week or so, I've decided to start some open letters that will tide things over.

Dear television,

You and I have had a tumultuous relationship, I know. Ever since I rediscovered my XBOX 360, you've kind of drifted into the background. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I wasn't blowing you off, it's just... Okay, let's be honest, you haven't been putting out lately. I know you have some great stuff coming out, but I can't sit idly when you spin out such garbage as American Idol or The Golden Globes. Yes, I know, a lot of people love American Idol. I'm just not one of them and I'm not saying that to be cool. It's just not my cup of tea, bag of weed, type of lunch box, picnic basket, midlife crisis car or whatever euphemism the kids are using these days. Anyway, my point is that you don't have to get back at me by randomly not recording programs I actually do like. It's like you want the shows I like to fail because I played Assassin's Creed II too much. Well, if it makes you feel any better, I finished that game and it meant nothing. No, really, I... Don't talk to me that way. I totally care about you. What? Baby, don't go... I need you... The last season of Lost is on next... Baby? Sweety?

Okay, well, it looks like things are going to escalate.

$$$: Conan Knows Best

If you are watching the hulu/nbc broadcast version of last night's Conan, you will notice that this part was edited out. I wonder why...

An Open Letter to Steve MacPherson and the Creators of LOST

I have a great idea for a promo.

Make it a leak of the very last scene of the series finale of Lost a la last scene of the series finale of Arrested Development.

INT. STEVE MACPHERSON'S OFFICE - DAY - 2007

STEVE
THAT's the ending to the show? Are you kidding me?

DAMON, CARLTON, J.J.
Yeah, pretty much. We thought it was a good ending at the time.
STEVE
There's no way I could put this on the air. People will be sending us hate mail for years. They'll can me. You must be out of your (expletive) minds! (Pause.) What am I going to do?

DAMON
Well, Jay Leno's contract is almost up. You can put him in our time slot.

J.J.
Damon's got a good point. His show would be a hell of a lot cheaper than our show.

CARLTON
Or for that matter any show. You could put him on five days a week.

Long uncomfortable pause followed by laughter.

DAMON
I'm kidding.

CARLTON & J.J.
We're kidding.

STEVE
Now THAT's crazy. You'd have to be (another expletive) to even think of doing that. You know what? It's fine. By the time, it's over anyways, no one will even remember why they were watching it in the first place. Just promise me one thing.

DAMON, CARLTON, J.J.
What?

STEVE
Don't go to FOX.

DAMON
Sure.

CARLTON
I wasn't planning to.

Another uncomfortable pause.

J.J.
About that...

SMASH CUT TO LOST END LOGO

You can pay me later.

Let's Get Rancid: Spoilers for the final season of Lost

Here is a link to the spoilers listed on TV Squad. As a way to keep things awesome for you, I'm listing a bunch of things that are most likely NOT going to happen or don't say anything.

1. The dude who played Leno in that horrible The Late Shift was not listed as one of the people integral to this season.
2. The smoke monster is not really a black man and yes, you are a racist for thinking that.
3. Benjamin Linus will not find the Ark of the Covenant and have his face melted off, but 2 out of 5 people agree that would be cool.
4. Hurley will save the Dharma Initiative rec center with a break dancing contest.
5. There will be some motherfucking snakes on the motherfucking plane.
6. Kate will hook up with Bernard.
7. Sayid and Ilana will form the Wonder Twins. Form of Dental Surgical Tools!!! Shape of a gun!!!
8. Meanwhile, back at the Hall of Justice, Aquaman loses his shit and burns the motherfucker down.
9. Miles will be killed by a trap that Jigsaw set.
10. With the events never having happened on the island, Jack will end up having to become the patriarch of his family once his parents die.
11. Locke will be arrested for his involvement with Millennium group and their biological attack.
12. Charlie will succumb to the ring.
13. Boone is outed at a dinner with her alcoholic mom.
14. Walt is replaced with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar
15. Vincent the dog is really anti-Jacob

Okay, that's all I got right now.

Because It's On: Friday

My DVR's Idea of a Good Time

Dunh! Dunh! & Dateline: NBC's longest running triage team of what to put on when something fails.

Your DVR's Idea of a Good Time

Friday Night Smackdown: One of the few places where steroid use actually increases viewership.

Dollhouse: While everyone's joining sides in the Twilight saga of the Universal City wars, here is a show that is also being pulled. Where's their love? Huh? What about the children? think of the children!

Medium: I'm not a fan, but I know you are. I'm also rubber and you are glue and whatever you say bounces off of me and sticks back on to you.

Ghost Whisperer: Because Medium is too much for you to handle.

Shark Tank: An adaptation of BBC's The Dragon's Den where people bow in front of lords and beg for money. I'm not watching this because I don't like it when people ask me favors on my daughter's wedding day, but that's just me.

Numb3rs and 20/20 are also on, but I'm too tired to come up with something funny to say.

Jay Leno Show: Because cat fights are cool.

This looks legit

I'd hire him if I had some Coldplay tickets.

Conflict in Universal City Coverage Continues

CLASSY! I think Jimmy Kimmel is going to become #2 out of all of this.

Oh Noes!

I hope this isn't true. But then this happened. And I'm like and she's like. OMG!

Fucking With Your Stories: NBC Changes Schedule

In the wake of the conflict in Late Night Programing-istan, NBC has announced its stop gap for the post Winter Olympic schedule. To know surprise, they are shoving in a bunch of Dateline and Law & Order as they have over the last twenty years or so. Added to that is the Jerry Seinfeld produced reality show, The Marriage Ref. Unfortunately, it doesn't involve Denis Leary going to people's homes and pistol whipping them into submission. Also, Friday Night Lights will be coming on in April for those of us who don't have Directv. For the people who do who watch the show, chances are this will not mean an actual comeback since you've seen them already and therefore you aren't watching it again. The I-forgot-this-even-got-picked-up Parenthood will also make its debut. I hear it's good despite the fact that this is the 2nd time around for this show based on the Ron Howard movie. Lastly, there's a reality show called Who Do You Think You Are where from what I gather from the title is a companion piece to The Marriage Ref. In all, NBC will hobble its way across the finish line in May with the hopes and dreams that the 2010-2011 season will be a much better year.

Because It's On: Thursday

Shit I'm TiVoing

Community: It's not The Soup, but I'm pretending it is.

Parks and Recreation: Following the same premise as The Office, your shitty life is now a documentary people laugh at.

30 Rock followed by 30 Rock: Not to be outdone, PBS is following The 3 Tenors with The 3 Tenors.

Fringe: Again? Is this show getting canceled? Is it because they pulled a fast one on us earlier this week by running a lost episode? Will the Dynamic Duo get out of this jam? Stay tuned at this Bat-time, on this Bat-channel.

Archer followed by Archer: A new animated series by what looks like the same guys who brought you Frisky Dingo. I hope this is better than the preview they showed month's ago. Wait, I see a theme going here. Welcome to Doublemint Thursday. Two! Two! Two shows in one!
Shit YOU'RE TiVoing

Ace of Cakes: A customer complains about how there's no cake in the cake Duff and the gang make them. "IT'S JUST FONDANT AND WOOD!!! MY DAUGHTER GOT A SPLINTER IN HER MOUTH!!!" To their credit, the cake still looked awesome.

Modern Marvels: My plea to have Huell Howser host this show is denied again. Come on! That guy gets excited at tube socks and dirt.

CSI: This show is essentially unkillable in a Matlock kind of way. It will only end when they get tired of it. But you're watching it anyway.

The Mentalist: He blows your mind with his flesh colored hair.

Bones: You grew up watching Angel, so it makes sense.

Project Runway: Between Haiti, Conan and Jay, you probably forgot it was on. You're welcome.

Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice: I'm a guy. You're a girl. I get it.

American Chopper: It's still on.

Just Shit

Jersey Shore: Being Italian, I don't find this offensive. Being moderately intelligent, I find this annoying.

TNA Wrestling: Only because it's false advertising.

Jay Leno Does Dallas and Real(ly Dumb) Housewives of Orange County round out this category.

Review: Tosh.0 (1/13/10)

There are plenty of reasons to hate this show. Daniel Tosh is acerbic to a point of being cruel from time to time. His clips aren't always all that current and if he were just reposting it on the internet, fat guys with bad breath and Cheeto-stained fingers would be there to condemn in the span it takes for NBC to come up with another bad decision. On the other hand, Tosh's acerbic wit makes the show fucking hilarious, too. He is the guy you know that would track down the retard that commented "FIRST" in every post and put him in a sleeper hold and let him fall face first on to his on piss-stained front stoop. Yeah, I said "him." You know why? Women are slightly less retarded than men. They don't like your Bevisness. Just fuckin' stop. You are not hitting anything.

What I also love about the show is that it counterbalances the hating with its web redemption portion. Sure, it's still all done for yucks, but it does show that Daniel has some sincere love for the pure ridiculousness of it all. This week, he took David after Dentist and got revenge on David's dad for videoing and posting David tripping his balls off after dental surgery. Serves his dad fucking right, too. How are you ever going to keep trust with your kid if you're willing to fuck him over that publicly? If it was Star Wars Kid's dad that had posted his feats of fury and not some cruel kids at school, would you think SWK would be alive? How annoying is it when people shorten people to just initials? HFC! WTF LOLZ THUNDRCAZHO! (Sorry, I really need to stop doing whip-its at work.)

Where was I? Oh yeah, the show was fucking funny and definitely earned its $340 market share increase. (Though I do not need to see The Blob. (VERY, VERY NSFW))

Overall Grade: On a scale of Aleve to Oxycontin mixed with Dilaudid, this show gets a Darvocet during the day and a Percocet at night.

Tosh.0
David After 'David After Dentist'
www.comedycentral.com
Web Redemption 2 Girls, 1 Cup Reaction Demi Moore Picture

Stupidity in Overdrive

Usually you have to wait for Jerry Lewis to get into his 30th hour before you get something as insensitive as this, but hey, leave it to the guy who didn't show up at Sulu's wedding.

Review: How I Hooked Up With Your Moms "Girls vs. Suits" (100th Episode)

100th episode fanfares are usually impressively huge and quite often fall short of their own hype. Can you blame them? The Marketing Department wants to pimp you out as hard and long as they can. The fact that you made it to 100 episodes as an achievement alone considering most shows that even manage to get their pilots picked up, fail in their first year. It's kind of like when you try to have a baby. If you actually work at it, you realize it's pretty hard stuff. Sex becomes difficult. You both start doing all sorts of strange things which previously sounded like interesting positions but now seem just as viable as a hiccup cure. In the end, you start getting irate at how all these women are just magically getting pregnant purely by sitting on top of a washing machine while you and your partner have to drop tons of cash down a well for just the possibility of having a kid. How I Met Your Mother is one of those shows that manages the get it right from the start and I think maybe because now the people who are writing these shows are my age. I'm pretty sure most of the jokes seem paltry to people younger than me and people older than me don't get the childish humor of the Manchild Generation. And despite being broke as a joke, other people my age buy shit. Lots of shit. Shit on top of shit. We buy gaming consoles and cars. We buy action figures and houses. We know what a game rocker and a hutch are. We actually saw "Over the Top" in theaters or on VHS cassettes from our local video store which also had an adult section behind a curtain. We grew up with tape decks in our car that would eat our favorite tape and be forced to either listen to the radio or the cassingle we had purchased in 1987. We know the term "cassingle." Shit, I'm old.

Anyway, the show was okay. There's this hyped up musical number that was previewed by CBS which if you watched the show, you had to wait for it...because it was at the end of the show. Rachel Bilsson is a story for another day, but she was neither good nor bad. She was there and thankfully she is not the mother, but you know that because if you watch or care about the series, you know it's how the series will finally end. Did I ruin it for you? Because if you haven't figured that out let me get it all out...Harry defeats Voldamort. Vader is Luke's father. Bruce Willis is dead. Soylent Green is made from people. Oh and Tyler Durden is a personality to unnamed narrator comes up with because he can't handle his shitty life. There. Now that I made you cry, I will say that you can easily guess what's going to win based off of the title of this episode. Girls vs. Suits? I'm going with NPH with a big spread.

Overall Grade: On a scale of torn jacket a Homeless man found behind H&M in New York after someone's dog peed on it to a suit made of 24 Karat solid gold, I give it a jacket scored at the Barney's New York Clearance Sale held out at the airport.

Because It's On: Wednesday

Possible Awesomeness to Me

Tosh.0: Now beginning it's 0.2 build with an extra helping of punching you in the face while strapped down to a table. Tonight's web redemption: Kid after a trip to the dentist and filmed by his dad finds out if his dad likes to get "wet."

Dunh Dunh!: Sport Utility Vehicle: Stabler makes a mockery of his last name and drives a car into a perp's face. Olivia starts vascilating between complete emotional shut down and Jodie Foster in The Brave One. Ice-T somehow keeps his pimp career from hindering his ability to be a cop. Munch wonders if he can transferred to New Orleans and Sayid uses his torturing skills to reduce the ability of pedophile to pee standing up.

Modern Family: Al Bundy learns the true meaning of winter. Meanwhile, the gay couple are worried about either coming as too gay or not being excepted for being gay. The other family fulfills the white-label family sitcom quota. ABC is happy.



Possible Awesomeness to You

The Entire CBS Evening Line-Up: Old Christine, Gary Unmarried, Criminal Minds and CSI:NY. This is the television equivalent of giving up and wearing sweatpants.

Mercy: Because you still want ER and have a hard time letting go.

American Idol: Because you can't get enough fail videos during the day, you need to continue to feed at night.

Cougar Town: Because Courtney Cox is still hot.

Friday Night Lights: This was your argument to get Directv. So, you better be watching it.

Ugly Betty: Yes, it's still on.

Inside the NFL, Nip/Tuck, The Human Spark and Great Performances round out the usual suspects.

Total Lack of Awesomeness Whatsoever
In no descernible order whatsoever...The Real World, High School Reunion, Launch My Line, Leverage, Dog the Bounty Hunter, Steven Segal: Lawman, Ghosthunters International, MonsterQuest, The Middle, Jay Leno's Bag O' Glass

Sweeps alert: Lost

Do you want a first hand look at the new season and a cool USB drive shaped like the key Desmond used to blow up the hatch in a plastic bottle? Click THIS

David Letterman Weighs In

And now from a guy who was in the same position... Letterman's bit for tonight.

Class Act: Conan O' Brien

You've seen the news already, but in case you stumbled on this blog because your parental controls are going wonky and haven't heard, here's the skinny:

1. Jay Leno sucks at 10PM and NBC knows it.
2. They propose to move Leno to 11:35PM to give him a 1/2 hr. show and move the Tonight Show to 12:05AM.
3. They give the guys an ultimatum to make a decision.
4. Conan O'Brien releases a statement which politely and respectively says "You must be out of your goddamn minds if you think this is a good idea."

The release:

People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky. That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009. Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me. I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future. It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule. Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35. For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news. I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting. The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show. Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot. That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this: I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it. My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction. Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter. But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next. My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it's always been that way.

Yours,

Conan

Conan O'Brien, we salute you. I'm pretty sure Letterman, Fallon and Undead Johnny Carson salute you too. This is one of those nonsense things where they didn't want to have another incident like they had with Letterman. While I can't blame them for it, the execution has been outright abyssmal. They have continued to ruin their network in order to not lose Jay Leno who should be doing something better with his life. What NBC needs is some grief counseling. They need to let him go. It's like watching a relationship that won't end even though it's dragging everyone down. They've said their goodbyes already. There was some clear peace of sorts. It's okay. You can cry. There. There. It's OK. It's alright. You okay, now? No? Well get a grip before you get lapped by the CW!

Recap: Heroes "Close to You"

The show has improved. I'll give them credit. Maybe it's the minimization of saving the cheerleader this episode, but it was better. Maybe it's the Hiro and Ando teamup that ends up making some of the best storylines in this series. Maybe it's the addition of T-Bag and a storyline that isn't the usual saving the world from worldwide extinction. Maybe it's the usage of song/album titles that's gotten them a new reinvigorated spirit. I don't know. I don't care. Just keeping fixing it.

Rather then go into the details of the episode, I'm going to go with what I want to see coming up in the show based on this episode.

1. The paradise that Samuel is building is on the GODDAMN MOON. Seriously, why not? It would be totally awesome plus it would give us a reason to blow it up and usher in the age of Thundarr the Barbarian.

2. Hiro becoming a beam of pure energy. He's dying, right? I know they keep bringing this up. You know why? Because for someone who's dying, he's pretty fucking spry lately. So either do something with this storyline, kill him (which would probably kill the show) or cure him (which won't save the show).

3. Angela either dies or joins the Legion of Doom. It's about time she does something other than be a brooding dragon lady. I'm shocked she doesn't carry a clump of 30 yr. old ribbon candy in her purse at all times.

4. Dr. Suresh actually turning into the Hulk. He's got super strength. He doesn't look it. If I were busting through walls and throwing cars, I'm pretty sure I'd be looking pretty buff. Plus, we can then have some sort of Avengers thing going.

5. Parkman starts becomes able to use his powers without turning into David Caruso or better yet, just give him the shades so that he can commit to his Carusoness.

6. HRG/Bennett gets offered a Tony Stark like suit via the CIA and starts forming an Avengers like group. Because right now, it seems like he's just working his way towards Tony Stark, Alcoholic.

This episode was good enough to be a January episode for any other series. But considering the muck that has been the growth of the series, you have to grade it on a curve. Figuring in the handicap, this episode was outstanding and hopeful.

Grade: On a scale of Failing High School French to Mastering the Rosetta Stone or Deciphering the 4th section of Kryptos, this episode is passing your final in Italian II class in college adjusted to keeping up in Russian.

Because It's On: Tuesday

Shows I Might/Might Not watch

Dirty Jobs: Someone's got to do them and it might as well be this guy. This week: Cricket farming. Sounds...exciting...

Nova: Blowing your mind for years, NOVA finally issues an apology to all those who have died from their psychic electromagnetic pulses.

Biggest Loser: There are few reality shows I actually care for. It's really just one, The Amazing Race. But I do like how this show is the polar opposite of most of the wretched reality shows. It's the 2-hr. PSA at the end of GI JOE that's supposed to make up for the fact that its a show selling crap to your kids.

Scrubs: Knee deep in the zombie apocalypse, a group of ragtag doctors try to keep a dead show alive while working their way through med school. SOMEBODY CALL SOMEBODY!!!

Shows YOU Might/Might Not Watch

NCIS: Rolling Rock investigates a rash of fungal infections contracting from drinking their beer. Hint: Your fucking feet are in the water that makes my beer!

NCIS: Los Angeles: Former Wildcat joins Benippled Robin to do some Ninja Quincy act I have no interest in.

Last Restaurant Standing: THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE!!! It better not screw up the risotto.

Life After People: That really expensive furniture you just bought turns into a shitbox for wild animals. What else do you think is going to happen?

Better Off Ted: A fairly decent show I can't get myself over to watch because there's no K-12, singing hamburgers, horrible cooking or Howard Cosell speaking Japanese people. But I hear it's a pretty good show all the same.

The Forgotten: Cold Case with Christian Slater as XXX.

American Idol: The show that brought you dwindling record sales and abusive criticism in a swirly, gooey concoction.

The Good Wife: Why isn't this a porno?

Not on MY TV You Don't

ECW, Blue Mountain State (A Show Dedicated to Extending the American Pie Franchise well past its undead state), Tabatha's Salon Takeover, Paranormal State, Chopped, Jay Leno in "The Road to Boca Raton."

Recap: House "The Down Low"

I think people have stopped reviewing House for the most part. I understand why. It's the same show repeatedly. It's like reviewing Law & Order or as I call it Dunh Dunh! Sure, it's still a pretty good show, but it's generally the same thing every time. A-storyline: Someone passes, bleeds profusely, seizes or strokes. House and the doctors do an assload of tests which involve their conditions worsening in some rapid secession while House taunts his crew, Wilson, Cuddy, the patient, the patient's loved ones, your mother-in-law (deservedly), your mother (probably deservedly), your child (undeservedly) and the entire city of Springfield. House hears or says something innocuous then freezes in that way your dog does when you stick your finger up its butt to prevent him from mauling a smaller more defenseless dog. He then figures it out and either saves the day or allows the patient to find some peace in death. B-storyline: House taunts Wilson, Cuddy, and his staff, but mostly Wilson. This is different from the A-storyline, how? Well, this storyline has nothing to do with the patient until House does that thing like the dog that...yeah, we don't have to go back there. C-storyline: The doctors have some sort of life. This is occasional. It's space filler when the A & B storylines aren't full enough or we need to set up something later in the season and therefore need to insert something that will carry us into the season finale. There! An episode of House. Thanks for reading.



So...


Why do I like to watch the show?


It fills in that niche that Diagnosis: Murder, Murder She Wrote, Matlock, Ironside, and Scooby-Doo left behind. The inquisitive, problem-solving show that allows you to feel smarter. For a formula show, it is very keenly written and with characters that you can follow with minimal melodrama. Plus, it helps to have your lead played by a foreigner faking an American accent. I don't know why that is, but it just works. Just having a foreigner in your show seems to add something. I can't explain it. Think of all the shows you watch and love and tell me that it's not true. Foreigners and returning movie stars are the key to your television success.

This episode was a fine example of all of its elements. Nothing spectacular, but just fine. In fact, for once, I enjoyed the B-storyline which consisted of House and WIlson being mistaken for a gay couple. The weak point was the C-storyline which seemed to really be filler used to mimic the B-storyline. Even that was so minimal that I really didn't care that it was weak.

Score: In a scale of generic Costco brand vitamin to Magic Johnson's HIV-fighting cocktail, I give it a Cipro.

Recap: Fringe "Unearthed"

In movies, January (and formerly February) were months where they dump films that had been sitting around and had no support. It was a wasteland of crap with Oscar-worthy films trickling through from December. In television, it's sort of the same but not quite. February is sweeps month so you expect some of their A-level stories there, but you can't just jump right in after almost two months of reruns, so January becomes the slow dip in the bathtub. (Granted, this isn't true for shows that debut in January. A trend that was started by ABC's NYPD Blue. But for a series that's been on through the season, most likely it is.) What's weird is that a television show as new as Fringe and garnering its slow success would even have an unaired episode from season one to show.

The story itself is something they always planned to air. Something I believe was originally going to tie into Olivia's relationship with her dead partner which was an integral part of season one. They even had a version in their comic book preview except in that one, it was a Russian man in a coma who came to and gave a random series of numbers which happened to be the location of every Navy ship in the world at that moment. Considering how cold war era that is and maybe the fact that this was originally tied to be parallel to Olivia's story, changing it to a young girl in the United States and having it involve the US Navy seemed more appropriate.

These one-off stories are where this show draws the most similarity to its predecessor, The X-Files. The last one they did about the cosmonaut was actually really delightful. This episode though was more...eh. It was fine for the most part but it didn't know where to stand for the most part. They tried to involve some religious questions but they mostly fell flat. Her "resurrection" at the beginning of the show wasn't either exploited or condemned. Sure, there are more ways to look at it, but her own mother expresses deep religious conviction without even being that deep. I don't think the show was neutered mind you. I honestly believe that they always intended it to be ironic where the religious community was more grounded than the world that the Fringe division lives in. The execution though feels so weak sauce that you ask why it's even involved at all.

Having said that, the girl who guest stars in this episode is pretty good in that younger Julia Stiles way and it was nice to see Charlie again. (Kirk Acevedo, I'm so sorry you keep getting killed off decent shows. See: Oz) All in all, it lived up to a back-to-school January warm-up.

Grade: On a scale of a handheld radio with a wire hanger antenna to a Bang + Olufsen BeoSound 5, this show gets an iRiver LPlayer.

Looking Forward in Lust: 2010

It's really easy to talk about what a load crap something is, but can you talk about it swimmingly without looking like a photoshopped celebrity on Perez Hilton except crustier and more realistic. I love The Wire. I think it is one of (if not) the best show ever created for television. If you were the ask me my opinion of it, I would be on you like a dog in heat and you would be creeped out at my ridiculous fervor and be yelling "Lipstick Alert! Lipstick Alert!" as you ran away. The truth is you can't love something without hating it and vice versa. I love and hate television, but you won't find an altar devoted to Omar or catch me wearing a Venture Brothers one-sie. (Well, maybe if they made one in my size or at all.) I don't foam at the mouth for this medium, but I recognize it for more than an expense of advertising real estate. I enjoy it for all its wonderful flaws and periods of amazement. Here is an incomplete list of shows I'm looking forward to in 2010...

1. Lost: I came to this late and have too much personally invested to just abandon it now. I'm pretty sure it isn't all in Hurley's head. It isn't hell...or heaven or...limbo. They aren't all dead. It's not a snow globe from Hawaii where 26 characters go in search of meaning. This isn't Pinter, but thankfully, it isn't Ratner either. I pre-emptively brought serialized content back to primetime and for that, we are grateful. I could go on about my theories, but I feel like it's best if I wait for the new season. For the most part, I've abandoned them all. Season six is a season I look to as a wiping away of all those theories and allow for something new and defined to enter. Without spoiling it for those who haven't watched the end of season 5, I will say that the events that led to its finale leaves it wide open. There is absolutely no way for anyone to have any real idea as to what happens next. Let's just hope they don't cobble it into a cheap epilogue.

2. True Blood: It's my telenovella. Well, one of my stories. The other is Sons of Anarchy which somehow manages to weave melodrama and machismo with success not seen since Oz. What I like about the show is that it doesn't totally wuss up vampires. Sure, they do get wussy from time to time, but you are always reminded how violent and sexual they are. Never has the name "Sookie" sound so dirty. It's like using the word "moist." Soooookie! Moist!

3. Treme: I love The Wire and I thought Generation Kill was outstanding. Do I think this will be an opus on that caliber? I hope so, but who knows. New Orleans has an allure because it's dirty, corrupt and gets up under your skirt, but never forgets its manners. That sounds ironic in an Alanis Morissette kind of way, but whatever. I'll still check it out.

4. Winter Olympics: WTF! Why? Because they have the most ridiculous nonsense sports going on. 1. There's Luge. Dressing up in a condom and going down a track on ice at over 80 miles an hour. 2. Short-Track Speed Skating. Roller Derby on Ice Skates. If only they would dress up in actual roller derby gear. 3. Curling. This is one of those things you come up drunk. In fact, drinking should be made mandatory. IV. BIATHALON. You ski then you shoot at things. Fuck and yes! If only they'd take some of my suggestions like Polar Bear Wrestling, Peeing in the Snow and Snowball Fighting.

5. Jay Leno leaving the 10PM slot: There is a god.

Because It's On: A Preview of Tonight's TV shows

New Shows I May/May Not Watch Tonight
Heroes: If you're still watching this it's probably because of the Irish Breakfast version of T-Bag. It sure as hell isn't the faux lesbian relationship the cheerleader isn't having.

How I Met Your Moms: Here's to hoping that your dad doesn't get Alzheimer's before he finishes the story. Better yet, just go ask your mom.

House: You get verbally abused by a cripple while someone vomits blood and pees some other color in the rainbow. Luckily, FOX hired a foreigner doing an American accent to help you.

Fringe: Your brain gets raped by William Bell. Luckily, FOX hired a foreigner doing an American accent to help you.

Chuck: He's back and in pog form. Meanwhile, your Best Buy isn't at all this interesting. Luckily, NBC hired a foreigner doing an American accent to help you.

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations: Tony burns six tons of cocaine. Why are you watching anything else?

Hoarders: I can't believe someone would live in that kind of - hey, wait, that's my apartment.

Little People, Big World: Now on PSPGo or Nintendo DSi

New Shows YOU May/May Not Watch Tonight
Castle, Big Bang Theory, CSI: Miami, Antiques Roadshow, American Masters, The Secret Life of the American Teenager, Make It or Break It, Unwrapped, Monday Night RAW, Cake Boss, Older Guys aka Men of a Certain Age, Motor City Motors, Diners, Drive-Ins, and Dives

Shows That Will Never Be on My TV
Two and a Half Man, Accidentally on Purpose, The Jay Leno Show, The Bachelor

Recap: SNL (Charles Barkley, Alicia Keys)

Having a sports figure as a host is almost always more miss than hit, but if you get a guy with enough charisma involved, you can occasionally have some sketches. For example, Peyton Manning's fake United Way commercial was a rose among thorns. So this episode, we have the former basketball star, Charles Barkley, ready to weave us through the sea of mediocrity that is SNL. The teaser didn't help. It was essentially the benchmark of hilarity they were trying to reach and save for a few minutes, it was just like Barkley said, "Some sketches are good. Some sketches we're going to do anyway."

The Good
Monologue: Okay, it was like watching your kid go up and do his lines for the first time in his first school play. For someone who has been spending the last decade being in front of the cameras and showing up for his second stint, it should have been smoother. Yet, he was fairly honest and hit his lines. I couldn't help feeling like a proud dad behind the video camera giving a thumbs up.

Reel Quotes: What do you do when your guest can barely move and looks entirely scared? You set him up as a game show contestant where he's supposed to be incredibly out of touch anyway. This sketch for the most part feels like a flop, but Charles' performance made it okay.

Alicia Keys: I fast forward through the performances usually. They're usually not that great and can never equate to seeing them live anyway so why bother. I decided to watch her in hopes that it would be better than the show. Wait, that's a lie. I watched her because my DVR caught up to the performance and I couldn't fast forward. She ended up being the best thing about the episode. Her performance was solid and it just felt like she was comfortable and just enjoying being there. Does this mean I'll stop fast forwarding through the music? Hell no. It just means I will be smarter about it and start watching it later.

Weekend Update (James Carville): Not the best one, but still decent. Bill Hader has an impeccable grasp of the lunacy that is James Carville.

The Ones They Did Anyway
Ski Retreat: Kristen Wiig does good crazy lady but it seems to be ALL she does. On top of that, this is where reading off the teleprompter isn't helping. Sorry, Charlie.

Peepers Insurance: It's sad when you get the joke and yet, it's still not funny. It should have been. There's nothing funnier than stalkers except for say child molestation, grizzly murders, and the deaths of loved ones in the military. Oh wait, no. They're not funny either. I'm not really that stuck up. I just think there are better ways to execute this joke. Blutovsky would have done better.

Barkley Golf: I don't care. It's golf. Sucking at golf should be an honor.

Overall Grade: Between a strike out and a grand slam, I give this episode a slow grounder to first base.

Looking Back in Anger: 2009

I know this is late, but while everyone has already celebrated the best of 2009, it's time to shove a red hot poker into the bowels of 2009 and revel in the biggest fails.

In no discernible order:

1. The Centrum Silver Jay Leno Hour Debuts
I get it. It's cheap. He's valuable and ABC almost kicked Jimmy Kimmel down a notch to get him and by Grabthar's hammer, NBC wasn't going to have another Letterman debacle. Having said that, it's like someone went to NBC and replaced all the sugar in the coffee room with that huge ball of ribbon candy that's been sitting at your grandparents' house since 1954 that now comes out of the dish in a massive ball of hard, tasteless junk. NBC could have done something better. They could have brought his web series "Jay's Garage" to the network or used him to finally get "Top Gear USA" off the ground. But instead, we get a show that has been the bane of every local station. Local news has dropped dramatically. Why? Because most people manage to at least TiVo the first few minutes of the news while trying to tape ER or any of the 5 billion Dunh Dunh! spin-offs. The only people who TiVo Jay are people who go to bed at 8PM and wake up 4AM because they have an overactive bladder. In the meantime, NBC, which has been a 4th place network already is sucking it up so hard that the CW can actually dream that this might be their year.

2. The Short Bus to Atlantic City
Jersey Shore's best advertising is a dwarf of a woman getting punched in the face and they didn't even show it on their program. The characters seem like people who should be on I Love Money 3, but that would require doing something other than drinking and partying. It's sad when the Governor of New Jersey is telling you to please stop and go away. And what I don't believe is that this show is sticking around while Clone High was canceled solely for pissing off the nation of India for its portrayal of Gandhi. (OK, that's unfair. India and Gandhi far outweigh the state of New Jersey, but still, we are picking a battle FOR trash television.) If all goes as planned, we would be seeing The Situation on I Love New York 3.

3. I'm a Celebrity and I Needed to Be Raped and Murdered by Glenn Beck in 1990
I think it's the general consensus that Heidi and Spencer Pratt should get ass cancer and die a long and painful death, but that wouldn't work, because they'd turn it into yet another reality series featuring these douchebags. So it was no surprise that their stint on the return of a really, bad idea was an even worse idea. Sure, it got ratings for a short while and we learned to increase our hate for them, but at who cares. Until publicly televised executions are legalized, I don't want to see these two ever again.
4. Screw turning over Roe v. Wade. Let's make abortion mandatory.
Between Octomom, Jon and Kate, I think that the nation is now more impotent than ever. (Oh yea,Who the hell wants kids anymore? Really! It's not even an enjoyable freak of nature to see someone have octuplets anymore. It's now an argument to repeal welfare. Screw all of you and the folks at Wife Swap. We're never going to catch up with China if we don't have enough hands for child labor.
5. The only pundit I want to hear from ever again has a first name and it's Korla. Wait, that's Pandit.
You all suck. We don't have news anymore. We have retarded half-assed conspiracy theories from random douchebags who want to be on television by any means necessary. This isn't something new to 2009. It's just a deeper well. It's said that Jon Stewart has become the only news person people trust. This isn't because he's not good. It's because he's a comedian on a network where his lead in is flash animated swearing pieces of construction paper. He's the first one to admit that and it's sad that in the nearly 20 years since CNN blew up during the first Iraq invasion, this is where we are with news gathering. It just cemented again that there will never be another Edward R. Murrow or Walter Cronkite again.

There are more I know, but this is all I got in me for now. If you even managed to show up to this site, feel free to post your biggest TV fails of 2009. (Except Balloon Boy. They got enough press for being liars and morons.)

HOLY FRIGGIN' CRAP! (HFC!): Venture Brothers Action Figures

To quote everyone else. FUCK and YES!

One of the best shows on Cartoon Network's Adult Swim finally figures out that their audience base of lonely, balding obese 30+ year old LARPers STILL buys action figures. How awesome will it be to have a Brock Samson figure that comes with a lawn mower attachment for his chest or a 21 with removable chest plate revealing his "HENCH4LIFE" tat and retractable spikes. Of course, Mrs. Dr. Girlfriend Monarch is also something to be dazzle a cubicle, man cave or masturbatorium for the truly depraved, though you may have to wait. Bif Bang Pow! is making them and are known most for their Dexter figures and Lost bobbleheads which...yeah, it's no MacFarlane Toys of yore but I have faith that they won't totally screw this up. Wait...I'm having a vision...

HFC!: They totally screwed this up!

Why is Dr. Venture wearing a purple jumpsuit? What happened to Brock's mullet? WHO THE HELL WANTS A MANCOW FIGURE AND HOW THE HELL IS THAT A "SPECIAL EDITION"?

I need to stop huffing paint in the morning. In the meantime, all I got for you is this Brock "Murderfly" Samson custom figure. (via CrimsonVampyre by way of Toycutter)

Welcome to Hell!

Hello everybody! Hello, Dr. Nick!

There are so many ridiculous blogs dedicated to praises/skewering television that it seems like an absolutely dumb idea to add one more, but seeing as it's this or selling my blood to pay off my illegal gambling debts, I'm going with the the old "I have a lot of bad ideas anyway, so who the hell cares." Blogs are like UHF channels. Occasionally, the public can actual tune into your train wreck, but for the most part, you are lucky if you have more of a viewership of one. So, if you found this page, chances are it's a redirect from some adult content you almost went to and for that I apologize. This internet was built on two things, Al Gore and Adult Content. You shouldn't be deprived.

If you came here on your own volition, then you're totally on your own.